Being Honest

I was thinking all day today "if you can't blog something nice, don't blog at all" and decided not to say anything about our day when we posted the videos earlier. But I have been thinking about it and decided that if I am going to tell our story, then I should be honest.

Today was a hard day for me. I woke up feeling better, but not that great, which is very frustrating. I feel like I am trying so hard to make a good impression with the girls and all the people and all I really wanted to do yesterday was be alone so I could sleep away this stomach issue. We planned on meeting Andrea today,which gave us something to look forward to. It snowed a bunch more, so the paths that were clear when we went out the other day were covered again. We didn't know where we were going, so that was another frustration. The girls walk around with their MP3 players blaring so loud they can't hear you and Becca is always way ahead of the rest of us, so if you want to get her attention, you have to really yell, which draws more attention to us! Pedestrians definitely do not have the right of way here and people run into you like they don't even see you. There is a lot of smokers, too, which gags me. The smells in some of the places also make me want to throw up. Anyway, it's all piddly stuff, but to me, a rather spoiled American, it is very annoying. It was nice to be with Andrea and have conversations in English. We are trying to get the girls to talk to us more in English because they talk to eachother all the time in Latvian. They are doing better each day, but it is really hard to not be able to have a conversation with your children. We went around Riga with Andrea to some interesting places and ate a good lunch at a pizza/pasta place. I wimped out and decided to take a cab back and it took us a much shorter way back to our apartment, so I think we will be able to find that area much easier next time. We are planning on going to Jurmala Monday and make a day out of it.

I had a super hard time after I talked to Ryleigh and Reagan today, too. I had to go in my room and have a good cry. I miss them so much. I knew it would be hard to be away from them, but it is even more difficult than I imagined. I get so mad that we have to be here so long. It is so stupid to me. If they are expecting us to be "bonding" they should consider the fact that life in an apartment in Riga is nothing like our home in Lebanon! Part of bonding with our family is bonding with their sisters and we can't very well do that over the computer. I just want to be home with all six of us together to get on with our new "real" life. If they can't see how much we love eachother, then they are really blind. They should have taken into consideration the time we already spent with them and the fact we have called them every week for months while we waited for the paperwork. Which reminds me of something Becca said to the social worker yesterday. She asked the girls if they understood adoption and Becca answered "a lot of documents"! Yes, she understands adoption! The sad thing is I think all governments lose sight of the real meaning of adoption and get hung up on how much paperwork they can make you do. I wish someone would come Wednesday and use their heart to assess our situation and just tell us to pack our bags and go home. The girls asked Daina why we can't go to America yet. Good question...

The girls are definitely night owls and they get really rowdy very late at night. They got really mad at me last night when I made them go to bed early. I am fine with their attitudes about stuff like that because I feel like it is normal! Tonight we are up late and they are still talking in their bed. I am afraid someone in the apartment complex will complain about us being so loud. Which is another frustrating thing to be worried about that all the time.

Isabella wants to call her friends and BaBa (foster mom) with the cell phone Daina let us borrow for emergencies. We let her call BaBa and one of her friends and then Dionne (BaBa's granddaughter) called her back. It was cute to hear her talking and easy to figure out some of what she was saying. They both told their new names with so much pride and happiness, it was awesome! They are starting to call eachother their new names, it is a little hard to get used to! I think it must be something they have thought about for a long time and I am glad we are giving them the chance to start a new life with pretty new names and I am glad they wanted to keep their Latvian names as middle names. I know that they need to hold on to something from the past, although they have let go of a lot of it. Aina told us that they threw all the pictures and cards from their birthmom in the fire before we got there on Wednesday. She said they were ripping them up and throwing the pieces in saying "no more lies". I hope this was closure for them because that woman was never a good mom to them, although she had plenty of chances. I pray that I can be the kind of mom they deserve for the rest of their lives and even though we can't take away their hurts from the past, we can look forward to a future with many happy memories and lots of love.

So, I just wanted to let everyone know that this adoption journey is not all sweet and perfect. It takes an emotional toll, for sure. We appreciate everyone's prayers for us. Thanks for following along!