Saturday, August 25, 2012

Not Ready

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.
Washington Irving

I realized that I am not ready to face reality.  I was up until 3:00 am last night and after the girls went to school I went back to sleep for several hours.  I talked to a few people on the phone, but they are my safe people that I can really talk to without the fear of being judged, they are reminding me that life is still moving outside of my house and I am thankful for that.  However, I am not ready to face the world that doesn't get what's going on.  I don't want to be out and about until we know something and it looks like we won't know anything until next week.  It is so frustrating that GWCA isn't doing more to get information for us.  When they called this morning they were questioning what our guide said exactly and who she talked to.  Tim's response was that maybe they should CALL HER and ask HER!  We have her phone number for goodness sakes, you can't tell me they can't get a hold of her.  They act like she overstepped her boundaries by telling us we could get a referral for Reese.  I really feel like they just don't want things to work out.  Like they will be afraid that our case will set some kind of new trend or something, who knows.  Tim suggested that Snow Wu call all of her contacts in China because they brag about the fact that she is native Chinese and can handle problems that come up because she has the capability to speak directly to them.  How bad do things have to be before she intervenes. After this frustrating call, we were so discouraged.  They can't even tell us how Ethan is doing.  I researched low heart rates in children and it does seem like Jane may have been right that they could be putting in a pacemaker.  But that's only if they care enough to do that.  Oh how I wish he was in the U.S. where I could be with him in the hospital and talk to the doctors.  It's so sad to think that sweet baby, who has never known the love of a family, is trying to fight for his life alone.  And here we sit, trying to figure out what to do.  I know I am being a crappy mom, wife, friend, daughter, preschool director, etc. right now.  I feel like I have completely shut down and I can't figure out how to get moving in the right direction.  I have this weird desire to be up at night, when it is day in China so I am awake when something might be happening.  I am embarrassed to even type that because it is so absurd.  Maybe it also has something to do with being able to cry in private when everyone is sleeping and there is no chance of people calling or coming over.  I still have hope that he is going to be okay and that they will call and let us know we can come get him.  I am clinging to that. 

GW called back in the afternoon to tell us that Snow Wu is going to call somebody Sunday night (Monday morning in China) and that she was drafting a letter to send.  So, that is something.  It's so vague though that I am not sure I want to get my hopes up.  We are at their mercy.  They can withhold information, lie about what they are doing, and manipulate things to fit their agenda.  I really don't like feeling this way about an agency we used to promote and work for.  There are many families that have adopted or are adopting through them because of our recommendation.  I feel sick thinking about that.  I am praying that nobody ever has to feel this cheated and lied to by any agency. 

We were blessed by another delicious dinner tonight and more sweet cards and words of encouragement.  We really do have the best friends in the entire world.  We don't know how we will ever thank everyone.  It makes it even harder knowing that Ethan is missing out on the joy of all these people loving him, too.  I just pray he will someday know how many people it took to pray him home safe and sound.

Hoping to fall asleep soon and wake up with a more positive attitude.  Prayers are still appreciated so much.


  1. Kristen, I don't know you, but I want to just say you don't need to think you are being absurd or anything but a grieving Mama who has had part of her heart crushed by events completely out of her control.

    Please don't allow the Enemy to convince of anything but your worth in Christ and that as a Mama, it is a God-given instinct to fight for your child, which is what you are doing. I know how you feel in that you are at the mercy of so many other people, who may or may not have Ethan's best interest in mind. That is incredibly frustrating and disconcerting, and there is nothing you can do about it.

    It is PRECIOUS you are awakened at night, and while you are awake you can continue to cry out to our Father God and petition Him on Ethan's behalf. He loves you so much and Ethan too, and the people who are making decisions. And HE IS THE MOUNTAIN MOVER!

    I remember writing on my blog that I had to choose to believe in the promises of God that He had shown to be faithful in in the Bible and in my own life, because my faith was so weak. I had to choose to trust Him for what He had ALREADY done, because I just couldn't see straight at some moments to even know how to pray.

    I am so very thankful you have so much support around you, and that at least GWCA is continuing to keep in contact. I suspect they are trying to walk that fine line, but they need to do what is right and make this situation be about ONE LITTLE BOY and his life that could very well be hanging in the balance. I hope they do the right thing.

    Continuing to pray for your precious family and believing God for mighty miracles yet to unfold!

  2. We dont know you either, but just wanted to let you know whenever we think of your family or little Ethan we are praying for you!
    The Bouchard Family

  3. You don't know me either but I wanted to reach out and tell you that I have been where you are right now. Some of the details are different but I traveled too with the expectation of adopting and came home without a child. It is the most empty feeling in the world. I've lost people I love before but losing a child who you thought was going to be yours is a different kind of devastation that is impossible to fully describe.

    There are no words I can give you right now that will bring you peace but I do want to assure you that God really does have a plan. For me, that specific child was never meant to be mine and he was adopted by someone else. God then brought my son into my life, who absolutely was the right child for our family. It wasn't the outcome I wanted and I still wonder about that first baby but now having the perspective of time, I see God's plan laid out, so perfectly, woven through all the twists and turns I had to take to get to my son.

    Keep praying, keep using your supports and don't feel you have to have to show anything but your true feelings. Your family will continue to be in my prayers.


  4. Kristen,
    You don't know me either, but I wanted to let you know that there are people out there who are thinking about you and loving you and your family through this time. Big Hugs and a simple prayer, Love Laurie