Saturday, August 25, 2012
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.
I realized that I am not ready to face reality. I was up until 3:00 am last night and after the girls went to school I went back to sleep for several hours. I talked to a few people on the phone, but they are my safe people that I can really talk to without the fear of being judged, they are reminding me that life is still moving outside of my house and I am thankful for that. However, I am not ready to face the world that doesn't get what's going on. I don't want to be out and about until we know something and it looks like we won't know anything until next week. It is so frustrating that GWCA isn't doing more to get information for us. When they called this morning they were questioning what our guide said exactly and who she talked to. Tim's response was that maybe they should CALL HER and ask HER! We have her phone number for goodness sakes, you can't tell me they can't get a hold of her. They act like she overstepped her boundaries by telling us we could get a referral for Reese. I really feel like they just don't want things to work out. Like they will be afraid that our case will set some kind of new trend or something, who knows. Tim suggested that Snow Wu call all of her contacts in China because they brag about the fact that she is native Chinese and can handle problems that come up because she has the capability to speak directly to them. How bad do things have to be before she intervenes. After this frustrating call, we were so discouraged. They can't even tell us how Ethan is doing. I researched low heart rates in children and it does seem like Jane may have been right that they could be putting in a pacemaker. But that's only if they care enough to do that. Oh how I wish he was in the U.S. where I could be with him in the hospital and talk to the doctors. It's so sad to think that sweet baby, who has never known the love of a family, is trying to fight for his life alone. And here we sit, trying to figure out what to do. I know I am being a crappy mom, wife, friend, daughter, preschool director, etc. right now. I feel like I have completely shut down and I can't figure out how to get moving in the right direction. I have this weird desire to be up at night, when it is day in China so I am awake when something might be happening. I am embarrassed to even type that because it is so absurd. Maybe it also has something to do with being able to cry in private when everyone is sleeping and there is no chance of people calling or coming over. I still have hope that he is going to be okay and that they will call and let us know we can come get him. I am clinging to that.
GW called back in the afternoon to tell us that Snow Wu is going to call somebody Sunday night (Monday morning in China) and that she was drafting a letter to send. So, that is something. It's so vague though that I am not sure I want to get my hopes up. We are at their mercy. They can withhold information, lie about what they are doing, and manipulate things to fit their agenda. I really don't like feeling this way about an agency we used to promote and work for. There are many families that have adopted or are adopting through them because of our recommendation. I feel sick thinking about that. I am praying that nobody ever has to feel this cheated and lied to by any agency.
We were blessed by another delicious dinner tonight and more sweet cards and words of encouragement. We really do have the best friends in the entire world. We don't know how we will ever thank everyone. It makes it even harder knowing that Ethan is missing out on the joy of all these people loving him, too. I just pray he will someday know how many people it took to pray him home safe and sound.
Hoping to fall asleep soon and wake up with a more positive attitude. Prayers are still appreciated so much.