Tuesday, August 28, 2012

End of the Day Thoughts

“My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive, living on the inside, roaring like a lion.”


My girls love that song, they sing it at the top of their lungs and I love hearing them.  Those words probably have a different meaning to the people who wrote and sing it, but today, to me, they mean that God is working.  He is speaking to people’s hearts loud and clear. 


Our agency is not Christian based, so their decisions are not being made based on what the Holy Spirit is leading them to do.  They have no clue what it means to call on God to intervene.  While a war is being raged between us and GW, God is rallying His people and calling them to do something in His name.  I am overwhelmed by the support that is pouring in from all over the world for us.  People are on their knees praying for Ethan, people who have never met us, people who care so deeply about orphans that they see Ethan as our child rather than a case number.  We are so grateful for the messages of hope and love from so many people.  We have a fantastic group of family and friends close by that are supporting us, which I know we could not make it without.  And then there are people who have heard our crisis and want to help.  We had many emails today offering help in a variety of ways we had not even thought of.  It will take time for us to sort through what to do, who to contact, decide which path God wants to lead us down.  Knowing there are so many good people willing to go above and beyond to help us makes the lack of action from our agency easier to swallow.


  Where do we go from here? 


We will never give up on Ethan.  It is possible that we will pursue another referral, but we will never “withdraw” from being his family.  All of a sudden GW has information that his condition is more serious than they once thought (interesting that they suddenly have information when the orphanage is supposedly not cooperating and giving any info) and the CCCWA may decide he is not adoptable.  They don’t understand how we feel, which is why the letter full of lies was so hurtful.  I wish we could explain how much we love this little guy.  As a family, we have had so much fun preparing for his arrival.  We have shopped the clearance section of every store gathering clothes for him, dreaming about the day we would argue over what he should wear.  We decorated his room, the perfect science room for our one and only little boy.  In typical Tucker fashion, we over did the theme, down to the Albert Einstein doll he was going to cuddle with.  The girls each painted a canvas to hang together that say 3, 2, 1, Blast Off!  A little gift from all his sisters to show their love and excitement.  The times this summer that we gave up things financially seem to be completely wasted now.  Does GW want to hear about that?  Nope, they don’t care to steal our money to further their 1 million dollar profit each year (pretty good for a non-profit organization).  The many fundraisers we did as a family that took time and energy were all for nothing.  Each dime we spent on this adoption came with sacrifice.  We had so many people giving so much to us.  We don’t have rich friends (maybe a few) but we have generous friends and family who also love Ethan and gave sacrificially and in love.  For what?  So GW could pocket our money and mess up our adoption?  This is not why people gave, for it to be wasted.  Ryleigh and Reagan cashed in their entire savings, their savings bonds, and every penny they had in their piggy banks so they could help pay for their tickets to China, because they love their brother and wanted to be there in those first Gotcha day moments.  We wanted Reagan to see her birth country and appreciate it’s history and culture.  All of that will never be a reality.  These dreams have turned into a nightmare that doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon. 


I have said many times in the last 7 years that every adoptive family has a story.  God chooses children for parents willing to adopt and He does a marvelous job.  I believe God has a plan and that whatever happens, it is His will.  I want Him to use us to help others when we can.  I want our story to have a purpose, just like our other adoptions have.  We can take all this negative and people can learn from it, families will know what to do and not do in moments of crisis, if God forbid this kind of thing happens again.  There have been many moments that we were at a loss as to what to do because we were not education enough about this kind of situation.  GW took advantage of that and manipulated documents, phone conversations, and letters.  We don’t know why.  Our suspicion is somebody messed up right at the beginning and everything that has happened since has been to cover that up.  They will not tell us when or how they found out Ethan was sick or why they wouldn’t let us see him.  They sent us home and cost us thousands of more dollars, and not once did they apologize or show any sympathy for our circumstances.  Nobody could help that Ethan was sick, but so many things could have been done differently to help us make decisions about what to do.  We should still be in China, and if we were it wouldn’t have cost us any more money because it was all already paid for.  If we wouldn’t have been forced to come home, we could have stayed and been updated by our guide on Ethan’s health.  Maybe he is better and would’ve been able to travel soon.  We will never know. 


Lots of people are wondering how the girls are doing.  They are doing well.  They are sad, but they are also moving on with their lives and school.  I think they are afraid to talk about Ethan, so they just play and act normally most of the time.  They love having all this awesome food every day and they get excited to know who is bringing dinner.  I am so thankful for all the people who have been cooking for us.  My kids will never want me to cook again after all the delicious meals we have been having!  What a blessing to have so many people bringing food to us. 


We were so prepared to have Ethan home.  Our lives had been rearranged in preparation for having a toddler.  We got everything we could think of planned ahead of time so his transition into our family would be easier.  We knew he would have a harder time than Reagan, who was just a baby, or the big girls, who were old enough to understand what being adopted meant.  We were ready for two year old tantrums, diaper bags, and sippy cups.  We had the carseats in and the little boy dishes in the cabinet.  I made Reagan’s lunch for school yesterday and almost cried when I saw the Spiderman sandwich container that we had put away for Ethan to have for his lunch.  I am so sad.  So sad that we might not ever meet him.  So sad that he won’t ever know how much we want him, need him, love him.


Tomorrow I am going to go to work.  I’d rather not, but I know I need to.  One step at a time I will make it back in the real world.  Thanks for your prayers.


  1. Although we do not know each other, my heart aches for your loss, and the way the agency has treated you. My husband and I are considering adoption and I cannot imagine your heartache and feelings of helplessness with Ethan being sick and his parents not able to be there. I can only pray that your family will heal and that God will make both you and Ethan whole.

  2. I kinda doubt, Tuckers, that you still receive notice of comments on here? But I came across an old email today in which a friend had forwarded this particular blog entry to me/us as "someone who could understand." We lost a girl, and in fact I have just finished writing a book about it. It's been my life's greatest accomplishment, frankly. Anyway, thought I would just drop you a line. Maybe you'll read it someday and Dad will bless you through it. Later, Dann

    1. (Reads a lot like spam, doesn't it? I don't mean it that way, truly.)