Missing My Little Boy

How do you miss someone you have never met? I'm not really sure, but I do. I think it has a lot to do with the calendar. When we were first sent home from China, everything at home was surreal. We didn't have any plans and even at work I was just piddling around, not really doing anything super important. So many people brought us food (what a huge blessing!) that I wasn't worrying about groceries and cooking. We somehow made it through the time period we were supposed to be in China. And then Friday came. The day that we were supposed to step off of a plane in Springfield and be reunited with our big girls and a huge crowd of our family and friends. Then Saturday was supposed to be our first breakfast as a family of 7. We had already talked about having Tim's yummy waffles and wondered if Ethan would like syrup or peanut butter on his. I missed him on Saturday. We went to Springfield and we didn't have to take a stroller or buckle in a carseat. There were no arguments about who was gonna push him in the cart at Wal-Mart. I missed not having to pack a diaper bag even though it has been several years since I had to do that. We celebrated Isabella's birthday with my family and I missed not having to watch a toddler at my parents' house. He would have been super messy with the chocolate cake I am sure! I had a hard time getting up and getting ready for church Sunday morning. I really wanted to stay in my jammies and watch it online. But I knew I couldn't hide. It was supposed to be his first Sunday at Lifepoint. I missed not holding him and singing praise and worship songs with him. We sang Bless My Soul and I couldn't help crying. That is the song Reagan sang out of the blue at the Shanghai airport and a song that I just love. Singing those words "Bless the Lord, oh, my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul..." made me feel closer to God than maybe I ever have. I am not musical at all, but there was something about that song.

We came up with a plan if we do get a referral for Reese soon and we need to rearrange bedrooms. Tim and I enjoy working on projects like that together, but I almost feel like we will jinx something if we get too excited about her. Unlike in the past, we will work on this in baby steps.

Today, we went to Ha Ha Tonka to go kayaking with some friends of ours. The girls had so much fun and it was nice to be all together having fun. But, again, I missed my little boy. I wished that he was sitting in the kayak with his daddy in all the pictures I took. I wished I could have watched him get muddy and dirty in the lake. My arms just feel empty without him.

Please keep praying that we can jump on a plane and bring him home safely and that somehow we will have the money to pay for the trip AGAIN.

Pray for his little heart to be healed in the name of Jesus.