Thursday, September 6, 2012


I'm angry.  I know I shouldn't be.  I know that our sermon series at Lifepoint has been on Outrageous, Contagious Joy, but I feel so angry about so many things tonight.  My family is asleep and I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I am angry about how my brain cannot turn off at night and I have to sit here alone trying to cry quietly, playing solitaire and watching The King of Queens.  I'm angry that that is my bad habit now at night because I just want to not think about China, GW, adoption, heart problems, and all the little reminders that my little boy is not home.  I am angry that I don't understand the big picture yet.  I want this to make sense because right now everything is just confusing and everything that we find out just leads to more questions and more anger for me.  I am angry that nobody has swooped in and become a hero for us and then I am angry because I know that Jesus has done that and I sometimes forget it.  I am angry that the world is moving along and people are forgetting that my little boy is all alone in a hospital and that my heart is breaking every second that I wait.  I am angry that my conversation with my husband right before he fell asleep was almost a fight because I am so grouchy.  I don't want to be.  I want to be thankful and joyful and appreciative, but all I feel is angry.  I am so tired of thinking about the money that is wasted in this country and that I will be in debt for years and years and years because I am trying to do something good and right.  I am angry that an agency can take all the money we have worked so hard for and throw it away and act like it is not a big deal.  They are trying to settle with us with a small refund so we will shut up and tell people how great they are.  Great would be fixing some of this mess, not putting a bandaid on it.  I want to know exactly what is wrong with my son and how long they have known about it.  I want to know if they let us get on that plane and pay all that money, knowing we were going to turn right back around.  I want to know everything they know about my child.  I want someone to tell me that they love him and care about him and they will stay with him in the hospital so he is not alone.  I am angry that there are children in this world without a mommy and daddy and people aren't angry with me.  I am angry that adoption is so expensive and people make huge profits off couples who just want to provide a loving home for an orphan.  I am angry that I feel like I can't fake it one more day.  I am angry that I am not being a good mom to my girls and I can't figure out how to balance my broken heart with my thankful heart for the blessings that I already have.  I am angry that I can't make myself look at our DTC group on Facebook because I am jealous that they all have their beautiful children and I don't.  I am happy for them, but so sad for me.  I am being selfish and that makes me angry.  I am angry that I haven't been able to properly thank all the people who have helped our family during this time.  All the meals, prayers, cards, phone calls, visits have meant so much and I am angry that I haven't written thank you notes or returned calls.  I am angry that this whole ordeal isn't making me a better person, but a grouchy, tired one instead.  I am angry that potential adoptive families are hearing what has happened to us and are changing their minds and that families in the process are scared and nervous about their adoptions now, as if adoption wasn't stressful enough, now people have to worry about something like this happening. 

I thought it might be therapeutic to put my feelings out there, but I am not sure anything at this point is going to help all this anger subside.  I need all the prayer warriors out there to pray for my attitude and my heart.  I want to wake up a better person and only God is going to make that possible. 


  1. We've chatted & vented a little on the DTC FB and I just wanted you to know that your family and Ethan are in our prayers. We are angry with you/for you. This is not right. Praying that hearts will be softened and that money will go where it should go.....into your adoption and not into someone's wallet. Praying you can get to Ethan fast and bring him home, so he can know what the love of a mommy & daddy feel like. Sending you hugs from FL.....

  2. I am so sorry for what you are going through, for what your son in China is going through, for what your family is going through--you are all in my prayers. I lost the baby girl I was carrying at 19 weeks almost a year ago. I have six living children,including two from China, and another blessing I lost in the ninth week of pregnancy four months ago. Grieving does not make you less thankful for your blessings. Yes, gratitude is important, but don't ever think that your grief means you aren't thankful for the children here with you. In truth, the loss or potential loss probably makes you more grateful for your children here. But it might not feel like gratitude and joy right now. Again, you are in my prayers!

  3. I am so sorry for your anger and I think anon above has some great words of wisdom. Also, someone once told me that despite my own feelings, God is STILL At work always. That has always stuck with me. HE doesn't change, even though our feelings may be all over the map! And even that anger, well He created you and me and everyone else with angry feelings that sometimes must come out.

    I so wish I could have talked to y'all when you were in China. I feel like maybe we could have helped y'all in some way by sharing our story and how we were able to get out daughter out. We knew then it was a GETTING OUT, but now reading of your situation with Ethan--I know all the more that we definitely got her OUT. I am sorry we didn't get to talk then. It probably wouldn't have mattered, but I just feel so badly for y'all. My DH still asks me for updates. We are praying and are here if you ever want a listening ear. Prayers from TN!

  4. Sweet Sister,
    May Our Father surround you and your family with His presence, bathe your mind in His Truth, and calm your heart with the peace which passes understanding. Those of us in the adoption community and your brothers and sisters in Christ ache deeply with you and stand with you. One of my favorite blogs is where she posted Psalm 10:14, 17-18, "You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, you have heard the desire of the humble; you will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear; to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed! That the man of earth may oppress no more.". Stand firm in Him dear sister, He is fighting for you, you need only be still~ Exodus 14:14. Stand up against the fiery darts of the devil, do not let him steal your joy. Know that you are deeply loved and cherished. He is faithful to finish the work He started. Believe Him.

  5. You aren't the only ones angry and there are those of us out here that remember!