I'm angry. I know I shouldn't be. I know that our sermon series at Lifepoint has been on Outrageous, Contagious Joy, but I feel so angry about so many things tonight. My family is asleep and I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I am angry about how my brain cannot turn off at night and I have to sit here alone trying to cry quietly, playing solitaire and watching The King of Queens. I'm angry that that is my bad habit now at night because I just want to not think about China, GW, adoption, heart problems, and all the little reminders that my little boy is not home. I am angry that I don't understand the big picture yet. I want this to make sense because right now everything is just confusing and everything that we find out just leads to more questions and more anger for me. I am angry that nobody has swooped in and become a hero for us and then I am angry because I know that Jesus has done that and I sometimes forget it. I am angry that the world is moving along and people are forgetting that my little boy is all alone in a hospital and that my heart is breaking every second that I wait. I am angry that my conversation with my husband right before he fell asleep was almost a fight because I am so grouchy. I don't want to be. I want to be thankful and joyful and appreciative, but all I feel is angry. I am so tired of thinking about the money that is wasted in this country and that I will be in debt for years and years and years because I am trying to do something good and right. I am angry that an agency can take all the money we have worked so hard for and throw it away and act like it is not a big deal. They are trying to settle with us with a small refund so we will shut up and tell people how great they are. Great would be fixing some of this mess, not putting a bandaid on it. I want to know exactly what is wrong with my son and how long they have known about it. I want to know if they let us get on that plane and pay all that money, knowing we were going to turn right back around. I want to know everything they know about my child. I want someone to tell me that they love him and care about him and they will stay with him in the hospital so he is not alone. I am angry that there are children in this world without a mommy and daddy and people aren't angry with me. I am angry that adoption is so expensive and people make huge profits off couples who just want to provide a loving home for an orphan. I am angry that I feel like I can't fake it one more day. I am angry that I am not being a good mom to my girls and I can't figure out how to balance my broken heart with my thankful heart for the blessings that I already have. I am angry that I can't make myself look at our DTC group on Facebook because I am jealous that they all have their beautiful children and I don't. I am happy for them, but so sad for me. I am being selfish and that makes me angry. I am angry that I haven't been able to properly thank all the people who have helped our family during this time. All the meals, prayers, cards, phone calls, visits have meant so much and I am angry that I haven't written thank you notes or returned calls. I am angry that this whole ordeal isn't making me a better person, but a grouchy, tired one instead. I am angry that potential adoptive families are hearing what has happened to us and are changing their minds and that families in the process are scared and nervous about their adoptions now, as if adoption wasn't stressful enough, now people have to worry about something like this happening.
I thought it might be therapeutic to put my feelings out there, but I am not sure anything at this point is going to help all this anger subside. I need all the prayer warriors out there to pray for my attitude and my heart. I want to wake up a better person and only God is going to make that possible.