Angry

I'm angry.  I know I shouldn't be.  I know that our sermon series at Lifepoint has been on Outrageous, Contagious Joy, but I feel so angry about so many things tonight.  My family is asleep and I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I am angry about how my brain cannot turn off at night and I have to sit here alone trying to cry quietly, playing solitaire and watching The King of Queens.  I'm angry that that is my bad habit now at night because I just want to not think about China, GW, adoption, heart problems, and all the little reminders that my little boy is not home.  I am angry that I don't understand the big picture yet.  I want this to make sense because right now everything is just confusing and everything that we find out just leads to more questions and more anger for me.  I am angry that nobody has swooped in and become a hero for us and then I am angry because I know that Jesus has done that and I sometimes forget it.  I am angry that the world is moving along and people are forgetting that my little boy is all alone in a hospital and that my heart is breaking every second that I wait.  I am angry that my conversation with my husband right before he fell asleep was almost a fight because I am so grouchy.  I don't want to be.  I want to be thankful and joyful and appreciative, but all I feel is angry.  I am so tired of thinking about the money that is wasted in this country and that I will be in debt for years and years and years because I am trying to do something good and right.  I am angry that an agency can take all the money we have worked so hard for and throw it away and act like it is not a big deal.  They are trying to settle with us with a small refund so we will shut up and tell people how great they are.  Great would be fixing some of this mess, not putting a bandaid on it.  I want to know exactly what is wrong with my son and how long they have known about it.  I want to know if they let us get on that plane and pay all that money, knowing we were going to turn right back around.  I want to know everything they know about my child.  I want someone to tell me that they love him and care about him and they will stay with him in the hospital so he is not alone.  I am angry that there are children in this world without a mommy and daddy and people aren't angry with me.  I am angry that adoption is so expensive and people make huge profits off couples who just want to provide a loving home for an orphan.  I am angry that I feel like I can't fake it one more day.  I am angry that I am not being a good mom to my girls and I can't figure out how to balance my broken heart with my thankful heart for the blessings that I already have.  I am angry that I can't make myself look at our DTC group on Facebook because I am jealous that they all have their beautiful children and I don't.  I am happy for them, but so sad for me.  I am being selfish and that makes me angry.  I am angry that I haven't been able to properly thank all the people who have helped our family during this time.  All the meals, prayers, cards, phone calls, visits have meant so much and I am angry that I haven't written thank you notes or returned calls.  I am angry that this whole ordeal isn't making me a better person, but a grouchy, tired one instead.  I am angry that potential adoptive families are hearing what has happened to us and are changing their minds and that families in the process are scared and nervous about their adoptions now, as if adoption wasn't stressful enough, now people have to worry about something like this happening. 

I thought it might be therapeutic to put my feelings out there, but I am not sure anything at this point is going to help all this anger subside.  I need all the prayer warriors out there to pray for my attitude and my heart.  I want to wake up a better person and only God is going to make that possible. 

Happy Birthday, Isabella!

Believe it or not, we have a 16 year old in our house! Yikes!  Luckily, driving is not in the near future, so it's not as stressful as it could be! 

We started the birthday celebration on Saturday when we took her to get her ears pierced and had her family party at my parents' house.  Then this morning we started the day with pancakes and presents.  Isabella seemed to really like all the gifts her sisters picked out for her.  She is very appreciative of anything she gets, which is so nice. 

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We are having her birthday party with her friends on Sunday afternoon at the bowling alley. 

 

 

Want to keep this post about Isabella... will update about Ethan tomorrow...

Missing My Little Boy

How do you miss someone you have never met? I'm not really sure, but I do. I think it has a lot to do with the calendar. When we were first sent home from China, everything at home was surreal. We didn't have any plans and even at work I was just piddling around, not really doing anything super important. So many people brought us food (what a huge blessing!) that I wasn't worrying about groceries and cooking. We somehow made it through the time period we were supposed to be in China. And then Friday came. The day that we were supposed to step off of a plane in Springfield and be reunited with our big girls and a huge crowd of our family and friends. Then Saturday was supposed to be our first breakfast as a family of 7. We had already talked about having Tim's yummy waffles and wondered if Ethan would like syrup or peanut butter on his. I missed him on Saturday. We went to Springfield and we didn't have to take a stroller or buckle in a carseat. There were no arguments about who was gonna push him in the cart at Wal-Mart. I missed not having to pack a diaper bag even though it has been several years since I had to do that. We celebrated Isabella's birthday with my family and I missed not having to watch a toddler at my parents' house. He would have been super messy with the chocolate cake I am sure! I had a hard time getting up and getting ready for church Sunday morning. I really wanted to stay in my jammies and watch it online. But I knew I couldn't hide. It was supposed to be his first Sunday at Lifepoint. I missed not holding him and singing praise and worship songs with him. We sang Bless My Soul and I couldn't help crying. That is the song Reagan sang out of the blue at the Shanghai airport and a song that I just love. Singing those words "Bless the Lord, oh, my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul..." made me feel closer to God than maybe I ever have. I am not musical at all, but there was something about that song.

We came up with a plan if we do get a referral for Reese soon and we need to rearrange bedrooms. Tim and I enjoy working on projects like that together, but I almost feel like we will jinx something if we get too excited about her. Unlike in the past, we will work on this in baby steps.

Today, we went to Ha Ha Tonka to go kayaking with some friends of ours. The girls had so much fun and it was nice to be all together having fun. But, again, I missed my little boy. I wished that he was sitting in the kayak with his daddy in all the pictures I took. I wished I could have watched him get muddy and dirty in the lake. My arms just feel empty without him.

Please keep praying that we can jump on a plane and bring him home safely and that somehow we will have the money to pay for the trip AGAIN.

Pray for his little heart to be healed in the name of Jesus.