Early Morning Thoughts

I usually try to blog when I have something of importance to document about our lives, but occasionally I just need to start typing to try to make sense of my thoughts. It is 4:20 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have this nervous sick feeling in my stomach. I have been so anxious waiting to hear something, waiting to be able to do something about all this confusion, but there has been nothing. I am tired of thinking about the what ifs, the whens, and the hows. I am the kind of person who does not like "fake". I don't like when people try to be something they are not. A phrase I heard quite often from my parents growing up was "tell us what you really think" (said in a very sarcastic tone) because I was never shy about expressing my opinion. I prefer being around people who are the same in every situation, who love me for me, who are honest about their own faults and don't judge me for mine. That being said, I feel like I am walking around all day being fake. I feel like there is all this anger and confusion and heartache boiling up inside of me, yet I walk around with a smile going through the motions of my life. I don't like this feeling. Yes, there are moments of laughter with my kids and my friends and moments when I feel God's arms around me and I know He is still working out His plan. But right now I feel like it is Him and me at rock bottom. That's a lonely place to be. I want to keep faith and keep dreaming about the day when I will hold Ethan in my arms. I want to believe there is a doctor who will fix his heart and give him a long life, but then I have those moments where I wonder if he will ever make it out of China. God knows. God loves Ethan more than I do. He has plans for Ethan and for my family. It feels more and more each day like those plans are not the same as mine. This has happened often in my life and at the end of each trial, when more of God’s plan is revealed, it makes sense and I see how God’s timing, God’s planning, God’s perfect ability to see the whole picture is many times something I cannot possibly understand, let alone plan for. I really would like to stay in bed all day and not face the world. I feel like I might end up losing it somewhere that would be very embarrassing with people who won’t understand. It would be so nice to just be at home alone. Those first few days we were home from China, I got to do that. I got to sleep away the day and it numbed the pain because sleeping helped me forget. That was acceptable to people when we first came home, now it is expected that I should be “back to normal”. I hate that phrase. I think that is what I am having a hard time dealing with. Before everything happened, we were prepared for a new normal. Ethan was going to change lots of things at home, at work, at church. We were all ready to see what those changes were! I hate that we have gone back to old normal with the only difference being the broken heart that I walk around with. I think Tim and the girls feel it, too, but they are better at coping with it. Kids are so resilient and dads are just stronger. This mommy is stubborn and weak. I want to throw myself on the floor and have a good old fashioned tantrum, shake my fists and scream about how badly I want my son. For a few days, we had so much hope that we were going to get Reese’s referral. That made sense to me that Ethan was leading us to her and everything had to happen this way to get us to her quicker. Now I feel like we have been misled. That information about a possible match was just a carrot to dangle in front of us to keep us from being idle. She seems just as far away now as she ever has. I was letting myself dream about having both my little ones home together, trying to figure out how I would manage two carseats, two kids in my office, two kids in diapers, two more kids at the table, two more kids at Wal-Mart… To say I was looking forward to all that stress is an understatement. One of the best moments of my life was when we got home from Latvia with Becca and Isabella and we were reunited with Ryleigh and Reagan at the airport. It was pure joy for all of us to be together. I remember riding in the van on the way home and turning around to look at my four children talking and laughing. I felt overwhelmed by God’s goodness and blessings. Even though it was early March, we had Christmas when we got home because the big girls had presents waiting for them. We watched them open presents and we were all so thankful to be at home together. The next morning, we got up and had breakfast together and our new normal started. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief because all that we had gone through to get them here was over and they were HOME! The transition was so much easier than I thought it would be. We had prepared the best we could and we just let God take care of it. And He did. I know He will take care of everything. I just want to hide in a corner while He does. Prayers are still very much appreciated.