Home

I feel silly for posting the last post because I myself was acting like a junior high kid worrying about what other people think and what ignorant people say.  Please forgive me for my lack of censorship in how I was feeling, it was a moment of deep hurt, exhaustion, and sensitivity.

We are so blessed by the extreme outpouring of love and support.  It is overwhelming, encouraging, and it is what is getting us through this difficult time.  Thank you to everyone who has called, come by, fixed food, met us at the airport, prayed for us, watched over our big girls, and sent messages of sincerity to us.  Again, we are so blessed.

Our trip home was emotional.  Leaving the hotel, driving to the train station, and saying good-bye to Jane was hard.  Probably the most difficult part was going through Changzhou City on the train.  That is the city where Ethan is.  We were traveling 180 miles an hour, so it was hard to see things too clearly.  I did see the words "China Post" on a building, which could be the post office where Ethan was found abandoned on December 30, 2010.  Tim saw a hospital that could be where he is right now.  We were so close, but so far away.  It sounds stupid, but it is true.  The train took us to Shanghai, where a driver picked us up and took us to the airport, which was about an hour and a half away.  Each leg of the journey was sad.  Even knowing that we were going to be back to our own comfy beds, normal food, clean water, and loving people, it was so sad to leave without our little boy.  We ate lunch at Burger King at the airport and waited for our flight.  Ryleigh and Reagan were in pretty good spirits, which help us to not dwell on the hurt and disappointment.  By the time we got on the plane to Chicago, we were all so tired and each of us slept most of the way to America.  There was a family with an adopted daughter on there and I couldn't make myself talk to them.  She was adorable and they were such a cute little family, I wish I would have had my emotions under control enough to talk to them. 

By the time we went through customs and security and went to the bathroom in Chicago, it was time to fly to Springfield.  Waiting for us at the airport were some of the most special people in the world to us.  I know it was hard to see us and be there, but I appreciate the love and support so much.  The hugs we got felt so good.  It was an amazing show of care and concern. 

It was great to see Isabella and Becca and to hear the girls are talking and laughing and sharing the last week's events with us made life seem somewhat normal again.  Our friend, Lance, drove us home, as we weren't in any condition to drive.  It was nice to talk to him about everything and to know how much he and others care and want to help.  We got home to a ton of delicious food and cards and a perfectly clean house.  I did have a few tears looking at all of Ethan's pictures on the fridge, but for the most part, we pushed through and enjoyed being back home. 

This morning GWCA called with no news.  I wish I felt more confident that they were doing everything they could to find out how Ethan is.  It seems like making some phone calls would be so much better than emailing.  I feel like now that we are home, it's going to be more difficult to get any information and help.  I don't think our family is being advocated for and I am disappointed that they don't seem at all concerned about what has happened.  Tim very nicely let them know that there are hundreds of people waiting to hear the outcome of how they are going to handle this situation, especially refunding our money and it is a time for GWCA to be the hero or the jerk (my words, not Tim's... he said it much better!).  A lot of people have negative things to say about GWCA and this would be a time to do the right thing to earn back some of the respect that they used to have in the adoption community.  But maybe they don't even care about that. 

So, we sit and we wait.  We are boldly praying for the best case scenario... Ethan will get better and we will get regular updates that give us the truth about his health.  We want to adopt him and we will continue to have hope that God is going to heal him and the orphanage director will give his permission for him to be adopted.  Second, we pray that our referral for Reese will come soon and that we can adopt her at the same time.  This will give us the chance to complete our family in one more trip to China. 

I believe that God is faithful and I have laid all of this at His feet.  I don't want to be filled with worry, anxiety, doubt, and fear.  I want to be confident that my Heavenly Father is working out His plan and His plan is perfect.  Mine is not.  I am thankful that I have my faith to lean on.  When we got in the car last night and turned on The Wind, the first words I heard were from the song Mighty to Save, "Savior, he can move the mountains".  So comforting and so true.  There is a mountain in the way of Ethan's adoption and even Reese's, too, and my God can move that mountain.  He is writing our family's story and He will use us in a big way if we let him.

I want to continue to advocate for orphans, now more than ever.  I want to be a voice for speeding up the adoption process and for helping families with fundraising.  I want to be able to say from experience that adoption is not easy, but when God calls you to it, He will work out the details.  I don't want this bump in our journey to be discouraging to others.  I want to be an encouragement that even in the darkness, God is light.  He is right there and when you perservere, there are blessings waiting.  Yes, it stinks right now and I feel sad and hurt, but as my favorite singer Steven Curtis Chapman says "out of these ashes, beauty will rise".  There have already been good things happen out of this situation.  I will do my best to focus on the good.  But I still need your help because this is easier said than done.  It was hard to get up today and face unpacking.  Opening Ethan's door and going in his room was not easy.  Unpacking all the things we so excitedly packed less than 2 weeks ago was depressing.  But I did it and I survived.  I feel like God is wiping every tear away and giving me reasons to not just lay down and pout.  I got all the suitcases emptied and got the laundry done.  I sorted the mail.  One step at a time, I made it through the day.  We were blessed to have dinner brought to us by a dear friend and I was able to share openly with her about how I feel, so awesome to have friends who understand adoption and the whole process.  It's comforting to have a pastor who goes out of his way to love on us when we need it the most.  All of the people who have asked their friends to pray and shared what has happened are too many to count and say thanks. 

I am dreading going out into the real world and facing people.  Going back to work will be hard.  But I know it's what I need to do.  I miss Bright Beginnings and my wonderful co-workers and I am excited to meet all of our new kids, but it will be hard to go back knowing I don't have my little tag-along Ethan with me.  Being around all the kids his age will be sad.  But I have to do it. 

Please keep praying for us.  A miracle will heal our baby boy and get him home where he belongs and a miracle will expedite Reese's adoption and will bring her home, too.  I believe in miracles.  My friends got amazing news today about their adoption and it was a reminder that God is so good.  I hope I can share it soon, but I think her news should be announced by her at the right time.  The adoption world is too fantastic to ever dwell on the negative for too long.  Thank you, Jesus!

God Bless.

going home

Just wanted to briefly say a few things before we shut the computer down and head to the train station.

It is very tempting for people to judge us, I made the mistake of getting on facebook and even among all the beautiful and loving and caring posts and prayers, I saw those who want to judge our situation.  First of all, have the guts to use our names if you are going to talk about our situation.  Don't be a junior high kid and talk in half-truths and imply things to leave people wondering what you are talking about.  Please leave us alone if you can't truly be on our side. Pray for us, not against us and stop trying to pretend you know what God's plan for us is. 

God Bless all of our true friends and our amazing church for everything they are doing, I know I don't even know half of it.  We are mature enough in our Christian walk to know that God has never left us, He has a plan and it is so much greater than ours.  We have an entire community of believers who know us and know that we can be hurting without blaming God for what has happened.  God allows things to happen so He can be glorified.  We will praise Him in this storm.  But we are still broken hearted and that is where the body of Christ comes in.  Thank you to everyone who came to LifePoint to pray for us on Tuesday night.  My mom was so impressed and told us how much we are loved and supported.  It was awesome for Isabella and Becca to witness that.

We were left with no choice but to leave this place without Ethan.  We were not allowed to make the trip to see him and we will have to live with that fact.  We will do everything we can to come back and adopt him.  He is our son and that will never change.  God is good ALL THE TIME.

Prayers are appreciated and needed.
Thanks,
The Tuckers

We Need a Miracle

I have not been able to blog about the last 30 hours but I wanted to finally tell what happened so all of our supporters could hear it from my perspective.  I owe so much to so many people for the prayers, love, and support from the first announcement of our plans to adopt Ethan to now.  I have never needed prayer as much as I do right now, along with the rest of my family.

Yesterday morning we were all prepared to meet Ethan.  We had not slept very well because of all the excitement mixed with jet lag.  We got up and got ready, the girls were so cute and giddy.  We skyped with the girls at home and my mom and we all kept saying things like “this is the last time you’ll see us without Ethan” and “this is the last meal without Ethan”.  Our guide was supposed to meet us in the lobby of the hotel at 9:30 so we could go to the Civil Affairs Office.  At 9:15 our phone rang and it was Jane asking if she could come to our room.  I knew in my gut that something was terribly wrong.  She came up and gave us the devastating news that Ethan was too sick to travel and she immediately started telling us that we could just switch to another child.  I was so upset and confused.  Ryleigh began to sob.  We were so confused because she wasn’t telling us what exactly was wrong with Ethan, only that his heart rate was 30 and that his surgery must have not been successful.  My instinct was that it doesn’t matter, we will wait for him to get better, he’s our son.  We want to see him and hold him and tell him everything is okay. We did not travel all this way to turn around and go home and leave our baby sick and alone.  Jane was doing her best to help us.  Tim was so much more clear headed than I was.  When she said we could get another referral immediately from the CCCWA, he thought of Reese and asked if we could just request her referral, meaning a non-special needs baby girl.  We could adopt her now and come back for Ethan.  Suddenly it seemed that there was a solution.  Things were so emotional and we felt like we were having to make life altering decisions in a matter of minutes, yet we wanted to make quick decisions as to not waste precious time.  Jane asked the details of the American side of the paperwork and encouraged us to call the consulate in Guangzhou.  Tim did and they were so nice.  She said that we could accept another referral while we were here and they could expedite all the necessary paperwork.  She said they would gladly change our Consulate Appointment to fit our needs.  She said it would be up to our immigration officer to handle everything from the U.S.  With the time difference we couldn’t get a hold of anyone.  Everything was such a blur.  We cried and cried and prayed for wisdom in the choices we were making.  We called my mom, Kelly and Bridget, and began to share the devastating news over facebook, begging people for prayers. 

We called the GWCA emergency number at some point and at first thought that they were going to be helpful.  Kim said that she would contact Jenny, which I asked her not to, but to please turn it over to someone who could really help, like Snow Wu, the president of GWCA.  I just pictured our agency bending over backwards and helping us through this horrible situation.  In hindsight we realized that Kim knew what was going on before we called.  She wasn’t surprised or shocked or one bit compassionate about what was happening.  It was all business.  She said she would contact our immigration officer.  We planned on doing the same.  So, we waited until 8:00 Central time and Tim called the USCIS.  Our officer was not in, so he got connected to her supervisor, who was unbelievably nice and sympathetic.  She said there would be no problem helping us with another referral and that we could expedite everything.  At some point we had heard that when this happened to another family, they were stranded in China for 6 weeks because nobody would expedite the process for them.  We felt Cathy was really going to advocate for us and make something work.  According to Jane, we could have a new referral quickly, so she had us write a letter saying what we wished to do.  I wrote out on hotel stationary that we wanted to request our non-special needs baby girl and also that when Ethan is better we want to bring him home.  We had an advantage, we thought, because our immigration approval was for 2 children, as we knew we would someday get a referral for Reese (been logged in since March 8, 2007) so all we needed was her name and information so the U.S. could start processing that information on an 1800 form. 

I know I am mixing up the timing of everything because it was so emotional and we are so exhausted in every possible way.  We received a phone call from Kim at GWCA at some point with the bad news that even though the Immigration supervisor made it seem like we could get this done quickly, there were no guarantees and it could take up to 6 weeks, so pretty much we need to just leave to come home and grieve while the bureaucracy plays out.  No support, no apologies, no advocating for anything.  It was the most pitiful excuse of customer service I have ever dealt with.  I reminded her that we are human beings with broken hearts and it would be nice if someone would think about Ethan and what is best for him.  She didn’t care and when Tim was on the phone with her, she began to discuss how we will not receive any refunds from the $8,000 we paid for the travel portion of this adoption.  Mind you, we are not staying in the hotel in Guangzhou that was $300 a night for  6 nights, which she claims cannot be refunded.  Have you ever heard of a hotel that doesn’t refund your money with a weeks notice?  And we will be paying a guide to take us on tours that we will not be going on, and plane tickets to a city we will not make it to.  We paid for breakfasts we won’t ever eat and for help we will not be receiving and NOT ONE DIME will we get back.  You have got to be kidding me.  The contract we sign is all about if we decide to not accept the child after the 24 hour period.  There is nothing that says what happens when other people decide he cannot come home due to his illness.  We are receiving no information and nobody is helping us.  We are dealing with a 13 hour time difference.  When Tim tried to get a hold of someone at GWCA during regular business hours, it took about 8-10 tries before he was connected with Cori, who has never been involved in our case at all.  She said they had been “briefed” about our situation.  So, someone was letting everyone else in on how they could screw us over.  Nice to know they can’t call and talk to us, even though Kim said that Jenny would call us.  But in typical GWCA fashion, we received a carbon copied email that was from Jenny to Delight Travel saying we needed help getting home.  Really?  That was the final decision?  News to us.  Oh, and by the way, we have to pay another arm and leg to get flights out of here. 

I am so angry, hurt, confused, and sad.  We have been dreaming of Gotcha Day for so long and never even thought this could happen.  China adoptions are supposed to be safe and predictable.  We chose China because we didn’t want to go through a domestic adoption and lose the child after having bonded, we didn’t want to pay for fertility treatments all those years ago because there was no guarantee.  Has adoption become such a business to those working in the field that this is acceptable?  We have spent every last penny to get here and to bring Ryleigh and Reagan with us to experience Ethan’s adoption first hand.  We owe a $12,000 loan and have nothing to show for it.  We won’t be able to get a tax credit because we have no child.  We will be paying for this adoption that never happened for years to come.  We have had so many people contribute to our adoption fundraisers and I feel so bad that their hard earned money that was given with so much love and generosity is just wasted.  How will we show our faces to all these people?  How will we go home and look at all of Ethan’s stuff.  We have prepared for him for so long and everything is sitting there waiting for him.  We begged to see him and were told multiple times that we can’t.  We are leaving some of his stuff for Jane to give to him when he is better.  Will he ever get better?  Will anyone even try to fix his heart?  Are we leaving him to die a lonely death in a hospital in Changzhou, China?  He will never know how many people love him.  He will never be kissed by his mommy, daddy, and sisters.  He’ll never meet all his little friends at Bright Beginnings.  Unless there is a miracle and we are allowed to come back and we can find the money for another trip and he does survive.  Should we even hope for that?  Should we just grieve as if he has died and we will never bring him home? 

My heart tells me that we would gladly accept Reese’s referral.  She would not replace Ethan because we have wanted her and waited for her for many years, but I don’t think there is another Ethan.  Ethan is Chang Yi Dong.  He is my son and I love him.  I love remembering all the days of staring at his picture and wondering about his personality.  I love thinking about all the shopping the girls and I have done and how fun it was to decorate his room.  My heart is breaking for Tim because I know he was so excited to have a son, someone to kayak with and play baseball with, someone to watch American Pickers and Storage Wars with.  He deserves to have a son.  How will we move on? 

I feel God’s presence.  I feel the prayers that are being lifted up on our behalf.  I just don’t know how to go on and go home with nothing.  I feel so bad for Isabella and Becca.  They don’t understand all that is going on, but for them, this is just another tragedy, another loss in a long line of losses in their short lives.  Their hearts are hardened because they have experienced so many losses and injustices in their lives.  Ethan was going to be our little guy that was a gift from God to all of us, the person we could celebrate together and love together.  He was going to help heal lots of wounds.  We all deserve him and he definitely deserves a family like us to shower him with love and affection.  Why is this happening?  God is with us, He has a plan, He will continue to give us strength.  We are hurting so badly.

Ethan is named after my granddad, who is the most fantastic man I have ever known.  I was so excited to have a son to share his middle name of Thomas.  I knew Ethan would live up to this name and grow into a Godly, wonderful man.  I am sad that the two of them may never meet. 

I am worried that our story is going to scare people away from adopting and that it will be told over and over again as a negative thing to discourage people from helping the orphan crisis.  How can we overcome this?  How can we not share our hurt but not be discouraging in the process?  Our friends in the adoption community know.  They understand.  But the people who are watching this unfold that have not been blessed by adoption may forever be changed in a negative way.  So many people helped us get here and there will be those that regret giving to our cause.  I don’t blame them.  It’s a waste of money.  Nothing is coming out of this trip except heartache and pain.  We need a miracle.  I am too exhausted to even think straight. 

Tim is finally sleeping after being up for almost 3 days with only a few hours of sleep here and there.  I have never seen a more tired person in my life.  I am worried about having to travel in this state of mind and physical exhaustion.  It is pouring down rain here for the third day in a row.  I feel like it is my tears streaming down the window right now, only I don’t have any tears left. 

Ryleigh and Reagan have been so good.  They are playing quietly when they need to and being so helpful.  They are so sad, too.  Ryleigh asked how God could not answer all the prayers when so many people are praying for Ethan.  I don’t want her to have to learn these hard lessons at her age.  I want to protect her from this.  I am glad we are here together.  They have been a good support system and distraction.  I am so blessed to be the mommy to 4 amazing girls.  Maybe I was being selfish to try to add more kids to our family.  Maybe I need to be content with my girls.  Maybe I need to not have to desire to keep adopting.  It was a joke a couple of years ago that I had an adoption addiction.  I just don’t understand how something that seemed to right and so awesome has turned out so badly.  We need a miracle. 

Please keep us in your prayers.  Ethan needs to be healed and so do we.